Now, you'll have to forgive me because it's been a few years, but in my 20+ years in management, the interview process was always deemed an essential aspect of determining who's best suited to fill a particular job opening. In this process, there were rules and guidelines an interviewer and, hence, potential employer had to follow in order to stay within proper, or lawful, hiring parameters. I'm not 100% certain, so correct me if I speak in error, but I assume these hiring parameters are no longer in place, because, based on my observations (and I do observe), this is the only way I can envision an interview, for a job, that you will get paid for, is being conducted today:
Interviewer: "Hi. Thanks for coming in." "Now, Can I assume that since you're sitting here in front of me, you have a pulse?"
Employee (they don't know, but they've already been hired): "Uh...sure." (smacking gum, pie hole wide open, making that disgusting sloshy noise, with spittle collecting in the corner of their mouth)
I: "Good. Now before we get too far, I want to let you know this is an interview, and in this interview I will be asking you some questions to determine your eligibility for the position we are hiring for. Is that ok?"
E: "Zzzzz...Huh? Oom? Wha?" "Yeah. Sure. Whate...Zzzzz." (drool collecting in an impressive puddle on the interview table)
I: "Allllll-righty, then." "Now, are you reliable and can you perform the job for which you're being considered, with, or without, reasonable accommodation?"
E: "Zzzzz..."
I: "It's cool. We'll skip that one for now." "What I really want to know is, can you perform this job, complaining the entire time, swearing every now and again, all while giving minimal effort?"
E: "Huhhuh. Huhhuh. Oh, yeah..."
I: "Do you have transportation that will ensure you're able to make it to work at least 50% of the time AND that the times you are present, you are at least 15-30 minutes late?"
E: "Dude, that's an easy one."
I: "Do you have any good gossip about anyone who has worked for us, either presently, or in the past, at any time?"
E: "I don't really know what you mean."
I: "Are you able to cause problems at work, and talk behind people's backs at a moments' notice?"
E: "Oh, yeah. Definitely, dude."
I: "Okay, great!" "Now this last part is very important, so I want you to think carefully before responding."
E: "Whatever, man."
I: "Can you perform the work we're paying you for, in an immature and incompetent manner and then refuse constructive criticism, instead choosing to lash out at your superiors, in an insubordinate manner, on an almost daily basis?"
E: "We'll, hmm. I'm not really sure what all that unmaturial, or insubmarineate stuff is, but I can promise to get in your face and threaten you if you want me to." "If I'm there and I have the energy, I mean. Is that cool?"
I: "Perfect! You're just what we've been looking for." "Congratulations!"
E: "Wait...huh?" "You hired me?"
I: "Well, of course we did." "You're the only person who's come by today, willing to work for a measly $12.00 an hour, 40...well, 37 1/2 hours a week."
E: "Whoa...cool, bro." "I can't wait to tell my stoner bud, Boner. He'll be stoked, dude." "He'll be like, 'Hey, bud...let's par-ty!'"
I: "Excellent. Now, just one more thing. Off the record, of course."
E: "Sure, dude. Go for it."
I: "Is that an authentic Metallica tour t-shirt? How did you get that perfectly round hole in the knee of your jeans, and the pocket to flap in the back like that? Is it easy to keep friends when you smell like the city landfill? Do you comb your hair with a rake? You got anymore of that gum..."
Until later, dudes (and dudettes),
Scott
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