For as long as one can remember, the laws of nature have mandated that every major life, or catastrophic, event has taken place with a 'Rule of Three'. There's no rhyme or reason. It's merely a greater force letting us know we've already had two chances, then asking how many more we need. The game of baseball and child rearing are no different. Today we'll focus on the kids.
I have categorized the rules as they apply to our family. Yours may differ but, in the end, I think you'll find we're all paddling up the same proverbial stream. The list, in no particular order of importance, is as follows:
The Three Ring Circus: This is simply the rule that states that if you have more than one child living under your roof at any given time, your life will be constant chaos and turmoil, and nothing will be anything less than a life altering, traumatic, or dramatic event.
Practical example-"MOOO-ooom!" "Sam took the last fig newton out of the jaaa-aaar!" A fig newton. I know, right? Or, "DAA-aaad!" "Billy stole the rubber band that I took off of the paper that was in our drive way six months ago, that I completely forgot about until this very moment, and will keep me in therapy for the next 20 years if I don't get it baa-aaack!" Come on, tell me I'm lying. I dare you.
The Three Round Fight: This rule varies only slightly in appearance from the first example, in that many times there will be a physical confrontation which may, or may not, involve bruising, blood, and most likely, tears. This rule has a short term effect on the parent involved and most often results in a 'closed door' policy enforcement.
The Three Second Count: This rule is a typically the 'action' taken as the result of behaviors exhibited in the first two examples. This is a relatively new, 21st century version of discipline which has replaced the open hand, the belt, the switch, the paddle, the hanger, and every other effective method of corporal punishment, successful generations of parents employed raising their children. How this whole fad was initiated I'm not quite sure, but one thing is for certain: It's far more humiliating and embarrassing for the parent than it is the child. Kids know, as soon as we raise the finger, we are full of it, have lost all control, and they have won. You tell me; how effective is this (and this is reality)? "Boo Boo? If I get to three I'm going to take away everything good and meaningful about your life. Are you ready?" "O-N-E. I mean it. T-WWW-OOO! I'm not fooling around. TWO-AND-A-HALF!! I'll really do it this time! I'm not afraid of you." Oh R-E-A-L-L-Y? Every time I witness this rule in action, it makes my skin crawl, because I know the parent doing the finger pointing got their feelings hurt one too many times as a child and refuses to subject their children to the same abuses. Instead, they subject the rest if us to their new and improved version, and the monsters they have 'raised' as a result. Oh, and in our house, we never use the 'half', but always go straight to three.
The Three Minute Time Out: When the progressive, forward thinking individuals fail miserably enforcing the most recent rule, this is the result; because nothing spells control, like taking a disrespectful, unresponsive child and placing them in 'freeze mode' for an extended period of time. Child rearing "experts" (I always wondered how you become an expert beyond feeding, clothing and changing the crappy diapers of my kid, but I digress) recommend using a minute of quiet, reflective time for each year of their life. I.e.-The 3-year-old gets three minutes and the 9-year-old gets nine minutes. Now, I have one of these; a 9-year-old, and I'm nominated annually for 'Father of the Year' if I can get her to sit still for nine seconds. And more often than not, this rule is accompanied by the, "Sit still or we're starting over", by-law, which is entirely inefficient by its sheer definition. If you start over, who is benefiting from the 'punishment'? It's time to recognize; they're smarter than we are, and are proven professionals when it comes to exposing our weaknesses.
The Three Stop 'Roadie': We've all taken that short, two or three hour jaunt to grandma's, and subjected ourselves to our own famous last words: "Everyone go potty now, because we are not stopping, this time!" Then, as predictable as the sunrise, 'Birdie', named for the size of her bladder, screams incessantly that she will leave a little yellow pool on your fine Italian leather third row bench seat if you fail to pull the car over...now. Are we really stupid enough to say no? Be careful how you answer, because some of you in our midst help write the yearly budgets for every car detailing company in the country. Nine out of ten experts say that we will stop, on multiple occasions, because the psychological effects, and damage to our olfactory receptors, will be too great to overcome otherwise.
The Three Aisle Meltdown: This rule, probably he most fun and rewarding for the parent (at least us), deals with the phenomenon of the grocery store meltdown. We've all been there; you're wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles, talking or texting to your 'bestie', because you can't not hear from them for longer than five minute intervals, look down and notice your angel has been raking the shelves for the past 10 minutes and is now buried in a mountain of Oreo's and Cheesy Poofs. Now is the profound moment that men and women alike choose to 'grow a pair' and utter that one simple, negative, word that is non existent in the vernacular of today's youth: "No". The chain reaction that results from this fool-hardy attempt at parenting is both hilarious, and epic in its rate of failure. We, in our wisdom, have chosen to berate our shorty, pull them out of the cart, double stuffed lard flying into neatly fronted shelves, and leave them in a heap, screaming and sobbing as if they had just severed a limb sticking their arm in the live lobster tank. Proving a point, we unaffectedly keep 'shopping', one, two, three aisles over, until they are either out of earshot, or we are confronted by an angry mob, accompanied by security, threatening us with a visit from CPS. We love this rule in our household and have yet to get that knock on our door.
Three Hugs, Three Kisses, Three Times A Day: This is by far the most rewarding rule of them all; proof that no matter what dirty little, rotten scoundrels they may be some of the time, we love them all of the time. This is the rule that makes all of the laughable, inexcusable, ineffective methods we enact on a daily basis, worth the effort, or lack thereof. This rule is the realization that no matter what 'event' may transpire throughout the course of the day, nothing supersedes our love for our kids. This affection for our children is perhaps the greatest parenting lesson they can receive. That, regardless of how you choose to raise, or discipline your children, if you love unconditionally, they might just turn out alright in the end.
Until tomorrow,
Scott
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