I have a multitude of regrets in my life. Perhaps none more pervasive, or haunting, than that of the bullying I've witnessed, been victim to, or been a part of at different stages of my existence. This is one of the demons I choose to chase, rather than run from, in what I hope to become a habit forming venture in my 'new' life...the run.
Bullying is one of those high-profile, oft overused terms in our society today and, frankly, an issue I admittedly paid little heed to until it affected me directly as a parent. You see, what I had done, in my own manner of therapy, was manage to bury the various incidents of which I had been a part of, directly or not, growing into young adulthood. I tucked them away, very comfortably and neatly, hoping never to have those shameful memories invade my conscience again. I guess our Gods work in very mysterious ways, because since the issue has affected my son, I have not been able to let go; of him, and the repetitive nature of his encounters, or of those which have silently pursued me my entire life. This is why I run.
I run for the 'friends' of whom I inwardly feared; for the kid who was just a little bit larger than me, and used that to his advantage whenever he deemed appropriate. You know, the one that hides behind the veil of kinship, only to turn on you and betray that fragile bond, or trust, at a moments' notice, like a venomous snake, coiled and ready to strike. What I realize, or 'see' now, is, that this isn't necessarily the person he wanted to be, but rather the result of his own abusive relationship with an absentee parent. He had become the statistic in a household where he was forced to raise not only himself, but his brother...and he was lost. For all of the times he took those frustrations out on me, I am sorry. I am sorry because it causes me to wonder what thoughts had gone through the minds of others, when the tables were turned...
I run for those for whose trust I have betrayed, at some point or other, in our relationships, and marvel at their capacity to forgive. I have an aged mind, more than likely as a matter of convenience, when it comes to issues of my propensity for this behavior. To their credit, my friends, and I continue to call them friends with their grace and permission, have not been as willing to let me off the hook. I have been reminded, on several occasions, about past transgressions of which I was a part, and had one dear soul go so far as to tell me, 'It's okay, though. I forgive you.' Talk about a humility check.
Typically, I pride myself in the way I treat others I consider to be acquaintances, if not close friends, but it is their willingness to hold the mirror in front of me which had caused me to reflect, and admit, that there is just as much guilt in by-standing as there is in participation. In fact, it may be a more egregious sin, because the passive nature of ones' response is firmly within their control; meaning, there is more that could, and should, have been done...
I run for those for whom I did nothing, and for whom I bear the most remorse; for the girl that rode my bus growing up, and faced relentless attacks, almost daily, while I, and other cowards who shared the same route, sat by idly...and watched. She was badgered, had books knocked out of her hands, spit balls thrown at her, drinks poured on her and we sat there. The bus driver sat there. But, why? What did this innocent child do to any of the rest of us? What did she do to her tormentors, to cause such vicious and inhumane attacks? Was it because her clothes were a little different, or her house wasn't as nice? Was it because she had to wear glasses, out of need, that weren't quite as stylish as they would have wanted? What has become of her? Better yet, what has become of them? Do they harbor the same guilt and shame that I've carried with me for over 30 years? Have they shed tears on countless occasions, asking their God to forgive them for their actions, or inaction? I hope today, wherever she may be, she can find it in her heart to forgive me...
I run for my son; for the courage he's shown in undertaking his box top collection venture. I applaud him for standing up and saying, 'My disability is not an excuse for you to attempt to take advantage of me. I won't allow it'. I admire him for asking others, many complete strangers, to stand with him; to show solidarity through clipping, and saving and mailing these, Box Tops For Education, some 5,500 to date. I exalt him for saying, 'Thank You for your effort, but it's not enough'. It will never be enough. This is one of the reasons we've chosen to honor those willing to take the time, and dedicate themselves to this cause, by placing their name on the back of the shirt, or shirts, I will wear in this year's mini marathon, here in Indianapolis; the simple, selfless act of sending box tops to him, at his school, to say, 'We've got your back'.
I realize there are many who have read my blog, that have no idea what a box top is, but are curious as to how they can help. Well, friends in Canada, Germany, Russia, Great Britain, The Netherlands, The Ukraine, Australia, New Zealand, Paraguay, Uganda, Guatemala, Peru, Iraq, Poland, Iceland, Sweden, Italy, Korea, India, Afghanistan, Japan, St. Kitts and Nevis, Belize, Haiti and others I have missed...you are in luck. Send me a coin, pin, or trinket indicating your support of the mission, and I will carry you on my back as well. I will include anyone and everyone who chooses to stand beside my son, and run with me.
We all deserve to live the best life possible. At times it takes a difficult lesson to come to this conclusion, but the truth is irrefutable. There is no excuse for intolerance, only acceptance of others. Oh, and the realization that forgiveness is a key component; and attainable. Ask and you shall receive, but you have to be willing to forgive yourself first...and let go. And run.
The address:
Makenley Deuschle
C/O Robey Elementary
8700 W 30th St.
Indianapolis, Indiana 46234
USA
Share to make aware,
Scott
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
My 24 Day Challenge...Day 25
I stand here at the crossroads of my 'Magical Mystery Tour', wondering what's next. Okay, not really wondering; dreading, perhaps? Anticipating? What is the next phase of my reality? It's a rhetorical question, really. I know what the next 90 days have in store for me and my body, although at times I doubt my readiness for that torture based transformation. Beyond that, I'm not sure. I want to think I'll remain strong and dedicated to this "new me", but I've been here before. Once I have met my goal of preparing for the run, then accomplished that goal, if I don't have a ledgers' worth of new hurdles, I'll be lost. Ironically, that will be right at the time I am able to start cycle 2 of the 24 Day Challenge, so there is that.
All in all, I feel like a million bucks, although it's not easy altering so many aspects of your life in one fell swoop. I questioned myself, almost daily along this most recent journey, but only I am to blame. They recommend weighing at the beginning and at the end of the process. Now I know why. The psychological roller coaster you ride weighing daily, is draining, and enhances the struggle; for sanity, if nothing else.
As good as it feels to lose 3 lbs in one day, it's just as damaging to gain 2 the next. And you do gain. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. The body is smarter than we are. Every seven days, or so, it wakes up and says, 'Alright smart guy; I can play that game too', then commences to lay down the hammer of Thor on our arrogant heads. Knowing what I do now, I would eliminate those masochistic tendencies, follow their directions, and lose even more. There is no doubt in my mind, my selfishness cost me my goal weight. That being said...
If I'm being honest, can I really act like I'm disappointed to only lose 20.2 lbs in 24 days? R-e-a-l-l-y? 20.2 lbs?!? The obvious answer is 'no', but leaves the door open for an even greater second phase of my process, to realize my weaknesses and failings, grab them by the horns and regain control. For as awesome as AdvoCare was to me in this journey, I have to tell you, that is a fraction of the battle. The remainder revolves around dedication, temptation, determination, real change and a constant motivation to be better...to do better. Because, to this point, friends, good hasn't been good enough.
Here, I give you the last 10 days, of my own personal reality check. It wasn't easy; it's not supposed to be. But, it's worth every dime, sweat, tear and pill (and there are a LOT of pills)...
Day 15-Still ahead of goal pace; crossed with exercise, should bring it home.
Day 16-Leveled out, but feeling great. I may not win the $100, but there's a bigger pay off in the end; Tony Horton, where are you?
Day 17-Not gaining, not losing; hopefully workouts will assist loss; torture starts today. Lord help me...
Day 18-Little movement; variety of foods expanding; temptations limited.
Day 19-Rock solid; light at the end of the tunnel; I will win the war...
Day 20-H-U-G-E day; it seems I threw my body another curve, just when it appeared he had figured me out; wow!
Day 21-The lifestyle has become habitual, and the transformation is clearly evident; a little fine tuning to close it out.
Day 22-WT?? I'm doing all the right things, staying focused...and I'm gaining??? Not defeated, just pissed; there is a BIG difference...
Day 23-Not bringing the scale out until tomorrow; in fact, that was probably a mistake from the beginning; should have listened, but noOOoo; tomorrow's the day; screw the money, this is about me.
Day 24-I should not have allowed my self to finish on Super Bowl Sunday. What was I thinking? Okay, yes, I had an extra burrito; sue me. Bottom line, I know where mistakes were made and why I had very minimal loss over the last 5 days, or so; 20.2 lbs, pretty freaking awesome, so I'll take it! On to the next episode...
I told you at the beginning to follow me, watch the transformation for yourself, then judge the value of change for you. It works. I am living proof. It's not about turning yourself over to a bunch of supplements, to alter your body. This isn't a steroid shop. It's about surrendering yourself to those things that can help along the way. My AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge has been exceptional. Now that I've immersed myself in the benefits of the products I've been exposed to, I have even greater confidence in expanding my selections, to meet my needs going forward. Here's to being better...
13.1,
Scott
All in all, I feel like a million bucks, although it's not easy altering so many aspects of your life in one fell swoop. I questioned myself, almost daily along this most recent journey, but only I am to blame. They recommend weighing at the beginning and at the end of the process. Now I know why. The psychological roller coaster you ride weighing daily, is draining, and enhances the struggle; for sanity, if nothing else.
As good as it feels to lose 3 lbs in one day, it's just as damaging to gain 2 the next. And you do gain. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. The body is smarter than we are. Every seven days, or so, it wakes up and says, 'Alright smart guy; I can play that game too', then commences to lay down the hammer of Thor on our arrogant heads. Knowing what I do now, I would eliminate those masochistic tendencies, follow their directions, and lose even more. There is no doubt in my mind, my selfishness cost me my goal weight. That being said...
If I'm being honest, can I really act like I'm disappointed to only lose 20.2 lbs in 24 days? R-e-a-l-l-y? 20.2 lbs?!? The obvious answer is 'no', but leaves the door open for an even greater second phase of my process, to realize my weaknesses and failings, grab them by the horns and regain control. For as awesome as AdvoCare was to me in this journey, I have to tell you, that is a fraction of the battle. The remainder revolves around dedication, temptation, determination, real change and a constant motivation to be better...to do better. Because, to this point, friends, good hasn't been good enough.
Here, I give you the last 10 days, of my own personal reality check. It wasn't easy; it's not supposed to be. But, it's worth every dime, sweat, tear and pill (and there are a LOT of pills)...
Day 15-Still ahead of goal pace; crossed with exercise, should bring it home.
Day 16-Leveled out, but feeling great. I may not win the $100, but there's a bigger pay off in the end; Tony Horton, where are you?
Day 17-Not gaining, not losing; hopefully workouts will assist loss; torture starts today. Lord help me...
Day 18-Little movement; variety of foods expanding; temptations limited.
Day 19-Rock solid; light at the end of the tunnel; I will win the war...
Day 20-H-U-G-E day; it seems I threw my body another curve, just when it appeared he had figured me out; wow!
Day 21-The lifestyle has become habitual, and the transformation is clearly evident; a little fine tuning to close it out.
Day 22-WT?? I'm doing all the right things, staying focused...and I'm gaining??? Not defeated, just pissed; there is a BIG difference...
Day 23-Not bringing the scale out until tomorrow; in fact, that was probably a mistake from the beginning; should have listened, but noOOoo; tomorrow's the day; screw the money, this is about me.
Day 24-I should not have allowed my self to finish on Super Bowl Sunday. What was I thinking? Okay, yes, I had an extra burrito; sue me. Bottom line, I know where mistakes were made and why I had very minimal loss over the last 5 days, or so; 20.2 lbs, pretty freaking awesome, so I'll take it! On to the next episode...
I told you at the beginning to follow me, watch the transformation for yourself, then judge the value of change for you. It works. I am living proof. It's not about turning yourself over to a bunch of supplements, to alter your body. This isn't a steroid shop. It's about surrendering yourself to those things that can help along the way. My AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge has been exceptional. Now that I've immersed myself in the benefits of the products I've been exposed to, I have even greater confidence in expanding my selections, to meet my needs going forward. Here's to being better...
13.1,
Scott
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